Looking Out/Looking In chapters 7 and 8

Chapter 7 of this book is about listening. Listening is different than hearing. Listening is making sense of the things that one hears, were as hearing is just the physiological process of receiving sound waves in the brain. One can listen mindlessly, without actually listening. One should strive to listen while giving careful attention to what is being said.

The different elements of listening are hearing, attending, understanding, responding, and remembering.

Listening is much harder than speaking for most people. Ineffective types of listening include pseudo-listening, stage hogging, insulated listening, defensive listening, ambushing, and insensitive listening. I especially tend to pseudolisten. If someone is running on and on, or saying nothing interesting, I just pretend to listen without actually doing it. 

If one has problems listening, they can remove distractions, talk less, keep from judging prematurely, and looking for the key things being said. Most people are not perfect listeners. I especially have problems with listening sometimes.

There are different responses to messages being received, and these include prompting, questioning, paraphrasing, supporting, analyzing, advising, and judging. There is no one absolute best way to respond. 

Chapter 8

Chapter 8 is about relationships. The main things people look for when forming relationships are appearance, similarity, reciprocal action, and proximity, among other things. Many relationships are formed for self-serving purposes. 

The stages of a relationship beginning are initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. The stages of a relationship ending are differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.

Relationships can be stuck at any stage for a while, and may deteriorate at any stage. Not all relationships end. Some continue at the bonding stage for many years or until someone dies. The decline of a relationship can be reversed. 

It is important to remember that relationships are affected by culture. People from different cultures do things differently. Some cultures have arranged marriages. Because of these cultural differences, challenges can arise. Relationships require maintenance. If one drops the relationship, or leaves it alone, it begins to decline. Also, relationships require commitment. If one doesn't commit to a relationship, it is doomed. It takes at least two people to have a relationship.